Loved

Cold. I've never felt so cold in my entire life. My body feels like it's frozen still. I can barely move an inch but there's nothing I'd like more. Being in the same house, the same bed, its killing me every moment. I'm so tired and yet all I do is hope. Hope to hear his voice pipe up from the lounge room as I make dinner. Hope that every time I sit on our couch, I'll feel his arms wrap around me as we watch our favourite show. But that's a hope that'll never be fulfilled. And that's all I'm reminded of whenever I'm here. I need to get the fuck out.

I grab the keys and head out the door. As I jump in my car I have no idea where I'm going. I don't know for how long I'll be gone. But this is something I can't feel anymore. Every second in that house feels like another needle to my heart. Escape is my only solution. It's the only way I can think of that'll help stop this feeling in my chest. As I start the car, I take in a deep breath. This is not where I thought we'd be. I though when we said forever that was supposed to be it. I never signed on for this part. I release my the air from my lungs as I start the car and pull out of the drive way.

As I drive down the street I can't help but notice all the reminder's of our life pass. The happy people who walks down together hand in hand. The park where we'd take Pepper on the weekend. Our favourite ice cream shop sits on the on the corner. The same place he took me to during those warm summer days. Those days after we'd been walked Pepper and we'd take a break to relax. He'd always order mint choc-chip, and always wash it down with a can of lime mineral water. How lucky is it to find someone with the same taste as you? Someone who'd always give you the rest because he always knew you'd be wanting more. Someone who cared more about my happiness than anything in the world. He was the only person in the world that cared for me more than anything. And I did the same for him. 

Please don't start crying again. I just can't take anymore tears right now. He'd want me to remember the times we were happy. The times were he'd make me smile bigger than the Cheshire cat. He wouldn't want me to sully all our memories with a single tear. But that's something I can't do. I'm not strong enough for this. He knew that but that didn't stop him. Why'd he have to do this? He should've known I couldn't do this without him. I'm not strong enough for this. I needed him to be here and keep me safe. And that's something he couldn't do. Now I'm left here...lost.

I pull the car up into in an empty parking lot. No idea where I've even driven to. But taking a look out the window and noticing the water flowing down nearby, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I know exactly where I am...and besides my house, I thought this would honestly be the last place I'd ever go. My phone lights up with a call from my sister. Yet again.

"Damien...please don't hang up again..." Tessa's voice is coated in concern but yet I still can't manage to care.

"Damien, where are you? Please tell me you're okay."

"I'm fine. I just need be alone for today. Just please give me that." I hang up the phone and throw it down on the seat next to me. I know that may've been harsh, but I can't handle another person treating me like a broken baby bird. But I'm not broken. I'm trying to heal.

Pulling myself out of the car, I take in the scent of the ocean breeze that flows over me. The beach was always his favourite place. He grew up by the ocean her whole life and everyday it'd be the first place he'd go. He'd take a run down the beach and watch as the waves  gently glided over the sand and up to his feet. This place was a part of who he was and something he couldn't wait to share with me. So, after months together he brought me down for a little picnic. We laughed, we swam, we listened to some Colbie Callait. And he told me he loved me for the first time. It was one of the most perfect days I've ever had. And it was all thanks to him.

As I make my way down the cobbled path to the pier, I know exactly why I had been brought here. This is the one place I know I could remember him for all the reasons why I love him. This is the only place I can ever truly feel some kind of comfort. I walk down the pier and take a seat by the edge. If there's anywhere I'd prefer to be alone, it's right in this very spot. The water-damaged wood it still embedded with the confetti I threw into the air the night I proposed. I can still feel the warmth of his kiss after he said yes. It's something I'll never forget. That was one of the most magical nights of our lives. He'd thought that I may had gone a little overboard with the decorating but It was nothing compared to the parade I would've thrown for him. I would've hired a blimp if I could've. Because asking him to spend the rest of his life with me was the biggest thing I'd ever done and I wanted to acknowledge how much he meant to me. And how much he still does. 

Now the tears begin. This time though I can't hold them back and I don't want to. I can't try and hold myself together anymore. Not now. Not after coming here. Watching as the tears drop down onto the wood boards, I feel as though I'd let him down. I wasn't supposed to cry over the good memories. But it's hard when they are the ones that hurt the most. This wasn't supposed to be how we ended up. We were supposed to be the old men sitting by the beach watch the tide pass. We were supposed to be together well into our golden years. And we we're gonna be happy. 

Trying to wipe the tears away, I notice something glimmer in the corner of my eye. I lean over to take a closer look and find a can of lime mineral water sitting by one of the pier's poles. I take a hold of the empty can and for a moment I feel as though he's with me. He's sitting with me on this pier, holding me in his arms to let me know that it's okay. He wants me to be okay. But all I want is for him to be with me. Because he always made me feel safe and loved. He made me feel like I finally had someone in my corner. But even though he's gone, I know he always will be.

Walking back through my front door and flicking the light on in the lounge room, I take a moment to look around at the empty house. A part of me feels as though he'll come running from the bedroom to greet me with a kiss. A hug. Something. But as I continue into the room and return to my seat on the couch, I pull out the empty can from my bag and place it down to the photo of he and I on the coffee table as a reminder that even though he's not here with me, I'm going to be okay. Because as long as I have him in my heart, I'll never be alone..